Calm parenting. Respectful parenting. Gentle parenting. These are terms that I'm sure we've all come across when we're fat and our bellies are kicking us and giving us heartburn before our first bub arrives. They're all over Facebook. There's Facebook groups in every town for people that aspire to these styles of parenting. Parents everywhere are loving these terms and striving every day to be these calm, wonderful, peaceful parents. Myself included. But it is bloody hard work.
I know there are those wonderful, beautiful calm souls out there that are just naturally calm and don't usually yell or loose their temper. They would totally rock this style of parenting (and I mentally curse them daily!). That is not me. I struggle with my temper daily. I am getting better. I am not naturally calm or patient or gentle. I'm that person that shrugs and says "suck it up" when you're struggling, at least I used to when I was younger. I've learnt a lot. I've grown a lot. And I've practiced patience a LOT.
I never thought patience was something that you practiced. You practice the piano, or walking along fences, or kicking a football. But patience? Patience is something you are, well some people, not something you practice. Right?
Well since becoming a mum I have practiced patience every single moment of every day. It's hard work. It can be down right exhausting. Now I have two beautiful, demanding, intelligent, exhausting girls I need to be patient. Miss M (3.5yrs) is ASD and needs and deserves so much patience. I sometimes feel that she deserves more patience than I have. But that feeling alone makes me a better mum than I was the day before. I am a work in progress. Yes I can be incredibly hard on myself every time I loose my patience, but I am a work in progress. Hopefully by the time the girls are in their 30s I'll be the parent I want to be!
Every time the girls fight over a dummy (oh how I detest dummies!), or a toy, or who's turn it is, or which Paw Patrol dvd they want to watch, or who hit who first... etc. My instinct is to snatch the toy they're fighting over (or dummy or dvd) and put away. Clearly if they can't share it they shouldn't have it. But then I think, how is this teaching them to share? How is this respectful of their rights to learn sharing and how to fight with a sibling? So I breathe. Big deep breaths and talk to them about it. I don't know if this is "right" (what does that even mean?!) but it feels better when I manage it calmly, and they seem to respond to it better than when I yell and snatch.
Every time they take their time going to sleep - and believe me they do, the other night it was 10pm - my instinct is to yell at them and shut they door and just let them sort it out. And sometimes I do this. But it never feels good. I want to lie down with them, or read them a story, or sit quietly with them until they wind down from their busy day and fall asleep - especially Miss M, her amazing brain can take hours to wind down from something seemingly small. I'm happy to clean the kitchen while they wind down and go to sleep. Don't get me wrong. My first instinct isn't to sit in there. They seem to want me in there. Pfft. Ok, they yell and scream when I'm not in there. To me bedtime should be able to be a calm winding down. Yelling and screaming shouldn't a part of bedtime. This area of our lives is still a massive work in progress. I can sit in there quietly, or I can read a chapter book to them - for about an hour and then my patience is almost completely gone and I have to leave the room. Yes sometimes I yell, lots. Never feels good. Sometimes I manage to sit with them calmly until they go to sleep. And that always feels lovely. It feels like what I think bedtime should feel like. Safe. Calm. Secure. Warm. Loving. I can remember my mum rubbing my back for hours and hours. When I manage to stay calm, it feels like that.
But I'm still practising and learning. I am a work in progress. I hope my kids will understand one day. And I am forever and endlessly grateful to my wonderful wife for helping me learn and practice patience.
If you're a mum (or dad) like me, wanting to be calmer (or whatever) that you are, or feeling you "should" be something different than you are. Just practice. And be kind to yourself. You are a work in progress, a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring work in progress. 💗
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