Crappy mummy days, and Shrek.

Today was a crappy mummy day.  No, seriously, it was.  I felt like a crappy mummy today. I am sure we all have those days.  I can't possibly be the only one that gets to the end of some days and has a list a mile long of the things I wish I had done differently, better. And then a smaller list of the things I did ok.  Today was one of those days.

I yelled.  A lot.  Every time the girls fought, I yelled.  Every time they argued over something, I yelled and removed the something.  Yeah, totally a gentle and respectful parenting day.  NOT! And then I cried, from dinner time onwards.  I cried and put myself to bed, way before the girls were ready for bed.  I cried until my beautiful three year old came and laid on me and asked for Netflix.  (I know, totally different world than when I grew up, my three year old knows Netflix!).  So then we watched Netflix together in my bed for a bit, all three of us cuddled up together, tired and grumpy.  Then when I realised that the girls were getting restless and tired, I helped them move to their beds and go to sleep. (I'd love to have them fall asleep with me watching a movie, but it just doesn't work for these two).

What were we watching? Shrek.  We were watching Shrek.  He always makes me smile.

Even better it was "Shrek forever after" were he gets sick of the same day repeating over and over with his wife and triplets, and wishes for a day, just a day, to be like it was before them.  And he spent the entire day trying to get them back.

I totally get this movie.  It is my day.  My crappy mum day.  There are moments I would sign any bit of random paper, with whatever ridiculous hidden catches, just to have a day on my own (seriously if you haven't seen the movie, you really should).  Then there are moments - tonight that moment came when my three year old just laid down on me and cuddled me - where I would move heaven and earth to keep them near me.

My excuse for being a crappy mum today?  Oh, who needs one!  Really?  Ok.  So, lets see.... I've had a week of really awful sleeps thanks to having two kids sick all week.  I'm thinking they've given me their germs also, starting to get that familiar tickle in my throat.  And we've been home for three days. They were not quite well enough to go out anywhere, but were not sick enough to rest up on the couch.  So that means they were crabby and grumpy and generally awful to each other because they felt awful.

I did pretty well for the first two days.  I was calm.  We had some fun and then some quiet time when they could no longer cope with the fun.  I even did not too bad for the first part of today.  Then their fighting got to me.  Seriously, I went to hang out a load of washing (which I had just washed by hand because our washing machine has died. 😩) and I come back in to the sound of screaming to find Miss M and Miss F duelling with the mop and broom.

Anyway.  There is always excuses or reasons, things in life that push you closer to the edge and make it harder to not loose your plot and yell, harder to stay the loving calm parent you want to be.  It is what it is.  Today was a crappy mummy day.  It's not every day.

So at the end of the day, I hug my babies. We talk about being grumpy and how we still love each other even though today was a really hard day to not be grumpy and yell at each other (they did their share of yelling).  We talk about how everyone has bad days.  Today was one of mummy's bad days.  We talk about how everyone needs to practice how to be grumpy without upsetting other people, because it is ok to have grumpy days, but not really ok to yell at everyone all day.  And we hope that tomorrow will be an easier day, and that after a good sleep maybe we won't all feel so awful and grumpy.

So shrug off your crappy mummy (or dad) days, tomorrow is another day to try again.  💗

"This too shall pass..."

It has been ages since I last felt the twinkle of a post starting to form in my brain.  I guess this has mostly been to me working a bit more - brain full of work instead of kids and home, and then tired brain not wanting to think of anything! But here I am again!

 I've just read over all the blogs I've written so far - it really is lovely to see how far the girls have come, and it really does solidify in my head that this (homeschooling / unschooling) approach to life and learning is the right one for us.  Yes I still have days where I doubt it - doesn't everyone doubt things sometimes?  And yes I have days where I think 8 hours of time at home on my own, or available to work, would be nice.  But then something pops up and shuts down the doubts and little voices.

I was listening to a pod cast about unschooling the other day and the lady talking was in the USA.  She was talking about all the different reasons that people she knew chose to homeschool. One of the most common reasons given was family time and knowing their children.  People commonly felt that when their kids leave home at 6 or 7 in the morning and don't come home until 5 in the evening, when they finish high school and head off to college they felt like they hardly knew them.  I love that homeschooling gives me the opportunity to feel like I really know my girls.  Even if I don't get to sit and watch Netflix on my own, like ever!

So where are we now?  Miss M is almost 5, Miss F is almost 3.  And for all the parents out there struggling with the 1 - 4 age group, whether there's one kid in there or more, IT GETS EASIER! Or at least it did for me.  Not sure if it has to do with Miss M being on the spectrum (ASD) or not.  But oh wow has she calmed down a lot! Things are smoother, mostly.  Yes there is attitude, but it's kind of entertaining.  I don't mind when she sounds like a grumpy, sarcastic, full-of-attitude version of myself.  Its so much easier than the freaked out, not coping, melt downs of her 3 year old self.

From having months of in house routine and not many commitments with the outside world we have blossomed into a busy homeschooling family with things on option most days - park, bike rides, brunch dates, play dates, bush walks, shopping, errands, playgroup, ballet, gymnastics etc.  Some days we still choose a quiet home day (like today, and yesterday, and the day before...), but some weeks we are out every day.  It is all played by ear and depends what the girls want to do.

When we do go out we often connect with a lovely local group of homeschoolers and do a range of different activities - skatepark, playing in the mud somewhere, bush walks, indoor playcenters, whatever is going.  It's lovely to see the kids of all ages include each other and play random, made up games together, no one gets left out, even the youngest kids are included.

When we stay in we do whatever the girls want to do.  Some days that is iPads or movies all day.  Some days are spent in the back yard.  I just become "yes" mum.  Miss 4 is very much in crafting and will often come up with random things to make or activities to do.  A favourite lately is mixing paint - she doesn't actually want to paint anything, just mix the paint to make different colours.

Today is an iPad and netflix day.  Yesterday was a craft day - we played with air drying clay and watched youtube videos of people using pottery wheels, and drew pictures, and did colouring in.  Tomorrow is a day of outings and events.

Miss M (4) is loving numbers still.  When we go for drives out and about the girls love to yell out when they see a "number sign" (speed sign) and are both learning which numbers are called what, and which is higher or lower than the previous sign.  We are currently growing carrot tops in some cotton wool, every morning we measure how big they are and write it down and see how much they have grown.  Writing is still a challenge for Miss M, but she is slowing getting interested.  Miss F is all about letters and what noises we make for them.


My previous frustrations with bedtimes have, mostly, resolved. Very thankful for that! We have kept a very relaxed bedtime routine.  When one looks tired we offer bed and a cuddle and a book, while the other keeps playing quietly at whatever takes their interest.  Some nights they are both asleep by 8.30, sometimes they are still up at 10.30.  But it is, almost, always calmer that it used to be.  I don't yell, or get angry, we just plod through the evening and what will be will be.  We are slowly releasing all the rules we used to have around bedtime, and replacing them with an opportunity for the girls to figure out their own needs and learn what their bodies are saying to them.  This is still a work in progress.

Bring on a different day every day, while still being the same.

bedtimes, reading and puddles.

This is not strictly a homeschooling blog... but I figure if you're reading this you've got kids, and you can probably relate.

So in september I wrote about hating our bedtimes and how the girls both fight sleep for HOURS! Remember that whinge??  So we tried giving the girls books to look at and some quiet toys along with their favourite quiet music playing in the background.  Well that worked a bit better for a little while, but they still fought sleep until 10pm or thereabouts.  And we found ourselves back in the routine of "back to bed please" "head on pillows" "quiet time please girls" until we'd lose our patience and yell.  Not fun for anyone.

So I've lost my patience again with bedtimes and am deleting that phrase from our house completely! Not sure how this is going to look just yet.  For the last week we've let the girls play with whatever quiet toys or activity they wanted after dinner. If a shower or bath is wanted we will organise it for them, if not, then so be it - Miss M (4) is ASD and sometimes the sensation of water on her is just that little bit too much for her at the end of a long day. If they want to play lego or blocks or whatever, that's fine as long as it's quiet.  If they want to read books then we will sit and read to them, otherwise we sit and read our own books or do our own quiet thing while they wind down in their own little worlds.  No TV, no iPads, no phones, no screens after dinner - it's the only time we have limited screens as we've found that they both have amazing stamina when staring at a screen and can stay awake way past their tired point.  

So for the last week Miss F (2) has looked tired around 7, so we lie down in her bed and read books until she's asleep - so far she's asleep by 7.30 or 8 at the latest.  Then Miss M and I do some quiet things together.  One night it was jigsaw puzzles, another it was french knitting, another night we read books for hours.   She seems to love the 1:1 time together, and generally seems much calmer during the day since we made this change.  She is still not going to sleep until 10.30 - 11ish.  But she is sleeping in until 8am, which is pretty good for her, and there's no yelling, no drama, no frustration - on either part.  

I'm not sure how this will look in another week, or a month.  But for the moment we've found something that, mostly, works for our family.  Although it does have me reading aloud for two or more hours every night.... we'll just see how that goes.  

Miss M is all about being able to read at the moment.  She's very frustrated that she can't read.  We've found her some apps for her iPad that look helpful, as well as printed some work sheets looking at letter recognition etc (although I think I enjoy them more that she does!).  At the moment Miss M and I are reading Roald Dahl's "Matilda" at night and loving it! In the beginning of the book it talks about how, at 4 years old, Matilda could read anything, "pfffft" said Miss M when we got to that bit.

We're trying to find her every opportunity to step closer to being able to read.  There has been lots of writing her name - something she is still very interested in, and naming those letters, and making the sounds.  Lots of me "casually" pointing out words on games, like "done" "next" etc.  Lots of colouring in options that have the alphabet or a word or something.  Lots of games with letters, spelling, sounds.  The trick with Miss M is that they all have to be subtle and fun, and there can't be too much of it seeming like I'm 'quizzing' her or testing her, because then she shuts down and looses interest.  I do a lot of playing dumb, but she's quickly catching onto that too! It's definitely challenging trying to 'teach' without looking like I'm teaching, or at least without Miss M noticing! It usually looks like me making something available to her and then walking away.  MUCH harder than it sounds!

Miss F is now all about counting.  She still loves her colours and shapes, but just recently I noticed that she counts things - so far up to three or four.  It's easy to miss the things the second child does that are amazing, life is much busier than when it was Miss M starting to count and amaze us.  I must remember to pay attention and join in.

I think a challenge we're going to face more and more in this house is providing opportunities for Miss F while catering to Miss M's needs of a predictable, calm routine.  There's a dozen things I would love to get Miss F too, but I know that Miss M would not enjoy or cope very well with the noise or excitement, so I need to find a way to take Miss F without Miss M.  Life's little challenges.

We've had a lot of weather recently that has had us shut inside - really hot for a week and then torrential rain for a few days - so we've had to find things to do inside that use up energy and get the girls off their games and moving around.  We've done baking, legos, playing fetch with a ball (the girls pretend to be dogs, it's brilliant, lasts for at least an hour!).  I've stuck balloons tied with string onto the ceiling and let them have at them with fly swats and hitting them.  Watching them jump around like crazy kids is always fun.  Then they realised they could hit one balloon and, by knocking it into other, create a cascade of balloon movements, they had a ball.  I think this is one of my favourite things to do with them at the moment.  We'll do this again!

And of course we did the required puddle jumping in the massive puddle left by the rain at the end of our street.  It's always fun to see Miss M step out of her usual sensory comfort zone and walk through puddles bare feet and become amazed at the water ripples she creates.  I'll always love puddles, even if just for this memory.

Parenting and patience....

Calm parenting.  Respectful parenting.  Gentle parenting.  These are terms that I'm sure we've all come across when we're fat and our bellies are kicking us and giving us heartburn before our first bub arrives.  They're all over Facebook.  There's Facebook groups in every town for people that aspire to these styles of parenting.  Parents everywhere are loving these terms and striving every day to be these calm, wonderful, peaceful parents.  Myself included.  But it is bloody hard work.

I know there are those wonderful, beautiful calm souls out there that are just naturally calm and don't usually yell or loose their temper.  They would totally rock this style of parenting (and I mentally curse them daily!).  That is not me.  I struggle with my temper daily.  I am getting better.  I am not naturally calm or patient or gentle.  I'm that person that shrugs and says "suck it up" when you're struggling, at least I used to when I was younger.  I've learnt a lot.  I've grown a lot.  And I've practiced patience a LOT.

I never thought patience was something that you practiced.  You practice the piano, or walking along fences, or kicking a football. But patience? Patience is something you are, well some people, not something you practice. Right?

Well since becoming a mum I have practiced patience every single moment of every day.  It's hard work.  It can be down right exhausting.  Now I have two beautiful, demanding, intelligent, exhausting girls I need to be patient.  Miss M (3.5yrs) is ASD and needs and deserves so much patience.  I sometimes feel that she deserves more patience than I have.  But that feeling alone makes me a better mum than I was the day before.  I am a work in progress.  Yes I can be incredibly hard on myself every time I loose my patience, but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully by the time the girls are in their 30s I'll be the parent I want to be!

Every time the girls fight over a dummy (oh how I detest dummies!), or a toy, or who's turn it is, or which Paw Patrol dvd they want to watch, or who hit who first... etc.  My instinct is to snatch the toy they're fighting over (or dummy or dvd) and put away.  Clearly if they can't share it they shouldn't have it.  But then I think, how is this teaching them to share?  How is this respectful of their rights to learn sharing and how to fight with a sibling? So I breathe.  Big deep breaths and talk to them about it.  I don't know if this is "right" (what does that even mean?!) but it feels better when I manage it calmly, and they seem to respond to it better than when I yell and snatch.

Every time they take their time going to sleep - and believe me they do, the other night it was 10pm - my instinct is to yell at them and shut they door and just let them sort it out.  And sometimes I do this.  But it never feels good.  I want to lie down with them, or read them a story, or sit quietly with them until they wind down from their busy day and fall asleep - especially Miss M, her amazing brain can take hours to wind down from something seemingly small.  I'm happy to clean the kitchen while they wind down and go to sleep.  Don't get me wrong.  My first instinct isn't to sit in there.  They seem to want me in there.  Pfft.  Ok,  they yell and scream when I'm not in there.  To me bedtime should be able to be a calm winding down.  Yelling and screaming shouldn't a part of bedtime.  This area of our lives is still a massive work in progress.  I can sit in there quietly, or I can read a chapter book to them  - for about an hour and then my patience is almost completely gone and I have to leave the room.  Yes sometimes I yell, lots.  Never feels good. Sometimes I manage to sit with them calmly until they go to sleep.  And that always feels lovely.  It feels like what I think bedtime should feel like.  Safe.  Calm.  Secure.  Warm.  Loving.  I can remember my mum rubbing my back for hours and hours.  When I manage to stay calm, it feels like that.

But I'm still practising and learning.  I am a work in progress.  I hope my kids will understand one day.  And I am forever and endlessly grateful to my wonderful wife for helping me learn and practice patience.

If you're a mum (or dad) like me, wanting to be calmer (or whatever) that you are, or feeling you "should" be something different than you are.  Just practice.  And be kind to yourself.  You are a work in progress, a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring work in progress.  💗

Parenting blues

So I haven't written a blog for a few weeks.  I guess you could say I've had the parenting blues.  Now I'm sure I'm not the only one that has these funks.  In fact I don't think I would be wrong in saying that I'm sure most parents would have these times.  I also know I'm right in saying that it doesn't mean I love my girls any less.  They may be driving me batty lately, but they're still my girls.

It's just that nothing seems to change.  You know those days, those wonderfully groundhog style days, that can go on for weeks or months.  I'm in a groundhog day.  There's the same arguments, the same battles, the same dramas, the same lack of sleep, the same lack of "me time", the same lack of "couple time", and the same constant feeling of chaos and feeling 'behind' or inadequate in, well, everything.  Feeling behind in the shopping, feeling behind in the laundry, feeling behind in doing fun things with the girls. And that feeling that nothing changes, ever.  Just, stuck.

I am over the girls fighting over toys, constantly. Unless they have the exact same toy and the exact same number of the same toys, it's an argument.

I am over their constant attachment to dummies.  They say autistic kids attach to things, well Miss M (3.5yrs) has attached dummies. Yep, massive eye roll from me too.  I'm not anti - dummies, but I'm not a huge fan.  They worked well for us when the girls were babies, now they drive me batty.  I'm over asking them to take their dummies out to talk.  I'm not a fan of controlling their dummy attachment, especially Miss M, as it is her one main method of calming herself, so I don't feel it would be right to take it away.  But oh! Does she have to constantly rattle them and talk with them in her mouth so I get a muffled speech full of lisps.  Ok, deep breath.

I'm over trying to guide Miss M to do something and her either not even 'hearing' me, or yelling at me to "stop it" or, even better "I know mummy!!".  Seriously! When did three year olds become teenagers??

I'm over cooking meals that they then hardly touch.  Meals in our house are restricted by two things - Miss F (1.5 yrs) is dairy intolerant, and Miss M has three meals she will eat - and again if they don't have EXACTLY the same thing on their plates it's a drama. So we rotate three meals.  Which I'm sure they're sick of, because I know I am - but when you throw in something random it doesn't even get looked at by Miss M, and then Miss F copies.

I know my kids feed off my emotions and feelings.  So I know when I'm feeling down and grumpy and completely fed up with the groundhog day, that they feel it too.  I also know that it is INCREDIBLY hard to change your mood to try and help theirs while you're still stuck in the groundhog day.

So.
I've joined in their colouring in sessions (hello, I'm an adult and I love colouring in), which has actually been fun - until Miss F tells me off for sitting in her chair and I have to sit on the ground.

I've changed our bedtime routine so I can float in and out of their bedroom instead of rocking them to sleep - leaving me with a clean house and sleeping babies much earlier and more time for "me time".

I've had a few brief escapes out for coffee on my own with a book - this is hard to organise as my wife and I work shiftwork around each other.

I've found just the act of making a coffee - boiling the kettle, spooning in the coffee and stirring the milk in - very calming, so have found myself making a dozen coffees a day (most of them get forgotten about and go cold, allowing me to make another - luckily I drink decaf!).

I have tried to make sure I do some form of exercise most days.

And I've eaten a ridiculous amount of chocolate.  Chocolate is my vice, I've tried wine, I end up with a headache after a few mouthfuls, and I don't smoke.  So chocolate remains my drug of choice.

At the end of all this I am finally feeling a little bit better.  Not quite my usual chipper self.  But better. It's been a rough couple of months.  And I have a renewed respect to single parents or parents who's partners work FIFO.  Lordy, hats off to you guys!

Thanks for listening.  Be kind to yourselves.

Now I'm off to do some colouring in! 😀