Crappy mummy days, and Shrek.

Today was a crappy mummy day.  No, seriously, it was.  I felt like a crappy mummy today. I am sure we all have those days.  I can't possibly be the only one that gets to the end of some days and has a list a mile long of the things I wish I had done differently, better. And then a smaller list of the things I did ok.  Today was one of those days.

I yelled.  A lot.  Every time the girls fought, I yelled.  Every time they argued over something, I yelled and removed the something.  Yeah, totally a gentle and respectful parenting day.  NOT! And then I cried, from dinner time onwards.  I cried and put myself to bed, way before the girls were ready for bed.  I cried until my beautiful three year old came and laid on me and asked for Netflix.  (I know, totally different world than when I grew up, my three year old knows Netflix!).  So then we watched Netflix together in my bed for a bit, all three of us cuddled up together, tired and grumpy.  Then when I realised that the girls were getting restless and tired, I helped them move to their beds and go to sleep. (I'd love to have them fall asleep with me watching a movie, but it just doesn't work for these two).

What were we watching? Shrek.  We were watching Shrek.  He always makes me smile.

Even better it was "Shrek forever after" were he gets sick of the same day repeating over and over with his wife and triplets, and wishes for a day, just a day, to be like it was before them.  And he spent the entire day trying to get them back.

I totally get this movie.  It is my day.  My crappy mum day.  There are moments I would sign any bit of random paper, with whatever ridiculous hidden catches, just to have a day on my own (seriously if you haven't seen the movie, you really should).  Then there are moments - tonight that moment came when my three year old just laid down on me and cuddled me - where I would move heaven and earth to keep them near me.

My excuse for being a crappy mum today?  Oh, who needs one!  Really?  Ok.  So, lets see.... I've had a week of really awful sleeps thanks to having two kids sick all week.  I'm thinking they've given me their germs also, starting to get that familiar tickle in my throat.  And we've been home for three days. They were not quite well enough to go out anywhere, but were not sick enough to rest up on the couch.  So that means they were crabby and grumpy and generally awful to each other because they felt awful.

I did pretty well for the first two days.  I was calm.  We had some fun and then some quiet time when they could no longer cope with the fun.  I even did not too bad for the first part of today.  Then their fighting got to me.  Seriously, I went to hang out a load of washing (which I had just washed by hand because our washing machine has died. 😩) and I come back in to the sound of screaming to find Miss M and Miss F duelling with the mop and broom.

Anyway.  There is always excuses or reasons, things in life that push you closer to the edge and make it harder to not loose your plot and yell, harder to stay the loving calm parent you want to be.  It is what it is.  Today was a crappy mummy day.  It's not every day.

So at the end of the day, I hug my babies. We talk about being grumpy and how we still love each other even though today was a really hard day to not be grumpy and yell at each other (they did their share of yelling).  We talk about how everyone has bad days.  Today was one of mummy's bad days.  We talk about how everyone needs to practice how to be grumpy without upsetting other people, because it is ok to have grumpy days, but not really ok to yell at everyone all day.  And we hope that tomorrow will be an easier day, and that after a good sleep maybe we won't all feel so awful and grumpy.

So shrug off your crappy mummy (or dad) days, tomorrow is another day to try again.  💗

Parenting and patience....

Calm parenting.  Respectful parenting.  Gentle parenting.  These are terms that I'm sure we've all come across when we're fat and our bellies are kicking us and giving us heartburn before our first bub arrives.  They're all over Facebook.  There's Facebook groups in every town for people that aspire to these styles of parenting.  Parents everywhere are loving these terms and striving every day to be these calm, wonderful, peaceful parents.  Myself included.  But it is bloody hard work.

I know there are those wonderful, beautiful calm souls out there that are just naturally calm and don't usually yell or loose their temper.  They would totally rock this style of parenting (and I mentally curse them daily!).  That is not me.  I struggle with my temper daily.  I am getting better.  I am not naturally calm or patient or gentle.  I'm that person that shrugs and says "suck it up" when you're struggling, at least I used to when I was younger.  I've learnt a lot.  I've grown a lot.  And I've practiced patience a LOT.

I never thought patience was something that you practiced.  You practice the piano, or walking along fences, or kicking a football. But patience? Patience is something you are, well some people, not something you practice. Right?

Well since becoming a mum I have practiced patience every single moment of every day.  It's hard work.  It can be down right exhausting.  Now I have two beautiful, demanding, intelligent, exhausting girls I need to be patient.  Miss M (3.5yrs) is ASD and needs and deserves so much patience.  I sometimes feel that she deserves more patience than I have.  But that feeling alone makes me a better mum than I was the day before.  I am a work in progress.  Yes I can be incredibly hard on myself every time I loose my patience, but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully by the time the girls are in their 30s I'll be the parent I want to be!

Every time the girls fight over a dummy (oh how I detest dummies!), or a toy, or who's turn it is, or which Paw Patrol dvd they want to watch, or who hit who first... etc.  My instinct is to snatch the toy they're fighting over (or dummy or dvd) and put away.  Clearly if they can't share it they shouldn't have it.  But then I think, how is this teaching them to share?  How is this respectful of their rights to learn sharing and how to fight with a sibling? So I breathe.  Big deep breaths and talk to them about it.  I don't know if this is "right" (what does that even mean?!) but it feels better when I manage it calmly, and they seem to respond to it better than when I yell and snatch.

Every time they take their time going to sleep - and believe me they do, the other night it was 10pm - my instinct is to yell at them and shut they door and just let them sort it out.  And sometimes I do this.  But it never feels good.  I want to lie down with them, or read them a story, or sit quietly with them until they wind down from their busy day and fall asleep - especially Miss M, her amazing brain can take hours to wind down from something seemingly small.  I'm happy to clean the kitchen while they wind down and go to sleep.  Don't get me wrong.  My first instinct isn't to sit in there.  They seem to want me in there.  Pfft.  Ok,  they yell and scream when I'm not in there.  To me bedtime should be able to be a calm winding down.  Yelling and screaming shouldn't a part of bedtime.  This area of our lives is still a massive work in progress.  I can sit in there quietly, or I can read a chapter book to them  - for about an hour and then my patience is almost completely gone and I have to leave the room.  Yes sometimes I yell, lots.  Never feels good. Sometimes I manage to sit with them calmly until they go to sleep.  And that always feels lovely.  It feels like what I think bedtime should feel like.  Safe.  Calm.  Secure.  Warm.  Loving.  I can remember my mum rubbing my back for hours and hours.  When I manage to stay calm, it feels like that.

But I'm still practising and learning.  I am a work in progress.  I hope my kids will understand one day.  And I am forever and endlessly grateful to my wonderful wife for helping me learn and practice patience.

If you're a mum (or dad) like me, wanting to be calmer (or whatever) that you are, or feeling you "should" be something different than you are.  Just practice.  And be kind to yourself.  You are a work in progress, a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring work in progress.  💗

Parenting blues

So I haven't written a blog for a few weeks.  I guess you could say I've had the parenting blues.  Now I'm sure I'm not the only one that has these funks.  In fact I don't think I would be wrong in saying that I'm sure most parents would have these times.  I also know I'm right in saying that it doesn't mean I love my girls any less.  They may be driving me batty lately, but they're still my girls.

It's just that nothing seems to change.  You know those days, those wonderfully groundhog style days, that can go on for weeks or months.  I'm in a groundhog day.  There's the same arguments, the same battles, the same dramas, the same lack of sleep, the same lack of "me time", the same lack of "couple time", and the same constant feeling of chaos and feeling 'behind' or inadequate in, well, everything.  Feeling behind in the shopping, feeling behind in the laundry, feeling behind in doing fun things with the girls. And that feeling that nothing changes, ever.  Just, stuck.

I am over the girls fighting over toys, constantly. Unless they have the exact same toy and the exact same number of the same toys, it's an argument.

I am over their constant attachment to dummies.  They say autistic kids attach to things, well Miss M (3.5yrs) has attached dummies. Yep, massive eye roll from me too.  I'm not anti - dummies, but I'm not a huge fan.  They worked well for us when the girls were babies, now they drive me batty.  I'm over asking them to take their dummies out to talk.  I'm not a fan of controlling their dummy attachment, especially Miss M, as it is her one main method of calming herself, so I don't feel it would be right to take it away.  But oh! Does she have to constantly rattle them and talk with them in her mouth so I get a muffled speech full of lisps.  Ok, deep breath.

I'm over trying to guide Miss M to do something and her either not even 'hearing' me, or yelling at me to "stop it" or, even better "I know mummy!!".  Seriously! When did three year olds become teenagers??

I'm over cooking meals that they then hardly touch.  Meals in our house are restricted by two things - Miss F (1.5 yrs) is dairy intolerant, and Miss M has three meals she will eat - and again if they don't have EXACTLY the same thing on their plates it's a drama. So we rotate three meals.  Which I'm sure they're sick of, because I know I am - but when you throw in something random it doesn't even get looked at by Miss M, and then Miss F copies.

I know my kids feed off my emotions and feelings.  So I know when I'm feeling down and grumpy and completely fed up with the groundhog day, that they feel it too.  I also know that it is INCREDIBLY hard to change your mood to try and help theirs while you're still stuck in the groundhog day.

So.
I've joined in their colouring in sessions (hello, I'm an adult and I love colouring in), which has actually been fun - until Miss F tells me off for sitting in her chair and I have to sit on the ground.

I've changed our bedtime routine so I can float in and out of their bedroom instead of rocking them to sleep - leaving me with a clean house and sleeping babies much earlier and more time for "me time".

I've had a few brief escapes out for coffee on my own with a book - this is hard to organise as my wife and I work shiftwork around each other.

I've found just the act of making a coffee - boiling the kettle, spooning in the coffee and stirring the milk in - very calming, so have found myself making a dozen coffees a day (most of them get forgotten about and go cold, allowing me to make another - luckily I drink decaf!).

I have tried to make sure I do some form of exercise most days.

And I've eaten a ridiculous amount of chocolate.  Chocolate is my vice, I've tried wine, I end up with a headache after a few mouthfuls, and I don't smoke.  So chocolate remains my drug of choice.

At the end of all this I am finally feeling a little bit better.  Not quite my usual chipper self.  But better. It's been a rough couple of months.  And I have a renewed respect to single parents or parents who's partners work FIFO.  Lordy, hats off to you guys!

Thanks for listening.  Be kind to yourselves.

Now I'm off to do some colouring in! 😀