Parenting and patience....

Calm parenting.  Respectful parenting.  Gentle parenting.  These are terms that I'm sure we've all come across when we're fat and our bellies are kicking us and giving us heartburn before our first bub arrives.  They're all over Facebook.  There's Facebook groups in every town for people that aspire to these styles of parenting.  Parents everywhere are loving these terms and striving every day to be these calm, wonderful, peaceful parents.  Myself included.  But it is bloody hard work.

I know there are those wonderful, beautiful calm souls out there that are just naturally calm and don't usually yell or loose their temper.  They would totally rock this style of parenting (and I mentally curse them daily!).  That is not me.  I struggle with my temper daily.  I am getting better.  I am not naturally calm or patient or gentle.  I'm that person that shrugs and says "suck it up" when you're struggling, at least I used to when I was younger.  I've learnt a lot.  I've grown a lot.  And I've practiced patience a LOT.

I never thought patience was something that you practiced.  You practice the piano, or walking along fences, or kicking a football. But patience? Patience is something you are, well some people, not something you practice. Right?

Well since becoming a mum I have practiced patience every single moment of every day.  It's hard work.  It can be down right exhausting.  Now I have two beautiful, demanding, intelligent, exhausting girls I need to be patient.  Miss M (3.5yrs) is ASD and needs and deserves so much patience.  I sometimes feel that she deserves more patience than I have.  But that feeling alone makes me a better mum than I was the day before.  I am a work in progress.  Yes I can be incredibly hard on myself every time I loose my patience, but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully by the time the girls are in their 30s I'll be the parent I want to be!

Every time the girls fight over a dummy (oh how I detest dummies!), or a toy, or who's turn it is, or which Paw Patrol dvd they want to watch, or who hit who first... etc.  My instinct is to snatch the toy they're fighting over (or dummy or dvd) and put away.  Clearly if they can't share it they shouldn't have it.  But then I think, how is this teaching them to share?  How is this respectful of their rights to learn sharing and how to fight with a sibling? So I breathe.  Big deep breaths and talk to them about it.  I don't know if this is "right" (what does that even mean?!) but it feels better when I manage it calmly, and they seem to respond to it better than when I yell and snatch.

Every time they take their time going to sleep - and believe me they do, the other night it was 10pm - my instinct is to yell at them and shut they door and just let them sort it out.  And sometimes I do this.  But it never feels good.  I want to lie down with them, or read them a story, or sit quietly with them until they wind down from their busy day and fall asleep - especially Miss M, her amazing brain can take hours to wind down from something seemingly small.  I'm happy to clean the kitchen while they wind down and go to sleep.  Don't get me wrong.  My first instinct isn't to sit in there.  They seem to want me in there.  Pfft.  Ok,  they yell and scream when I'm not in there.  To me bedtime should be able to be a calm winding down.  Yelling and screaming shouldn't a part of bedtime.  This area of our lives is still a massive work in progress.  I can sit in there quietly, or I can read a chapter book to them  - for about an hour and then my patience is almost completely gone and I have to leave the room.  Yes sometimes I yell, lots.  Never feels good. Sometimes I manage to sit with them calmly until they go to sleep.  And that always feels lovely.  It feels like what I think bedtime should feel like.  Safe.  Calm.  Secure.  Warm.  Loving.  I can remember my mum rubbing my back for hours and hours.  When I manage to stay calm, it feels like that.

But I'm still practising and learning.  I am a work in progress.  I hope my kids will understand one day.  And I am forever and endlessly grateful to my wonderful wife for helping me learn and practice patience.

If you're a mum (or dad) like me, wanting to be calmer (or whatever) that you are, or feeling you "should" be something different than you are.  Just practice.  And be kind to yourself.  You are a work in progress, a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring work in progress.  💗

Today at our house...

One of the wonderful things about homeschooling, more specifically, unschooling, is that no two days are exactly the same.  Oh you still get a bit of the groundhog day feeling, and some days are harder than others and some aren't.  And while there is a very rough outline of a schedule visible, there is certainly no hard and fast, by the clock, schedule.  

Today was a day at home, it was raining and cold, the girls had a busy day yesterday so they didn't really want to go anywhere today (good because neither did I!), and I was definitely not in the mood to do housework.  So that meant we did stuff inside, whatever the girls wanted to do, we did.  Except for a few peace-keeping suggestions from me, everything was driven by the girls - just as it should be.  So I thought it would be a good day for a 'day in life of' post.  Yes, most days don't look this intense, and this amount of activities would usually be spread over a couple of day with things like trips to the park; or outside play; or housework to break them up.  But this was our day.  

So it started at 6am when Miss M (3.5 yrs) woke up and set herself up on the couch with her iPad, not sure what she did on it, she has a number of fun / educational games as well as youtube that she enjoys.  She loves to watch youtube videos of people opening toys, or aquariums with calming music, or aurora borealis clips, and who knows what else.  

I got up at 7am and made her and myself breakfast.  Midway through breaky Miss M declares that she wants to make a pelican.  Righto.  I will admit right now that I am NOT the creative one in our family.  I'm good with sheet music or cross stitch or knitting - you know, things that have patterns and detailed "how to's", but make something random up, sooooo not my forte.  That would be my wife's, she's amazing at that sort of thing.  So me, I resort to pinterest.  I am so so so grateful to people that have the time and energy to think up weird and wonderful things (like how to make a pelican with paper plates!) and then put them up on the internet to share with other creatively stunted people like myself! 

So we Pinterested the crap out of it, and made a totally awesome pelican out of paper plates! 

Then Miss F (2yrs old) woke up at 9am ( I know right!) and demanded we watch Paw Patrol - the latest obsession in this house.  And the girls sat on the rug and played with some puzzles while I cleaned the kitchen.  Miss M asked for help with the puzzles.  So we did a new Paw Patrol set of puzzles.  It was actually really good.  There were five different puzzles in the box and all the pieces were numbered (I just want to say here that there are five different puzzles in this box, and only three compartments! seriously! who does that!).  So it was really good for number recognition for Miss M.  She used a toy digger to find the puzzle pieces with the right number on it and deliver them to me. It took a bit of practice to distinguish the '2's from the '5's.   Miss F then 'helped' me put them in the right place (think elephant tap dancing).  

We then went back to the craft table (aka the dining table covered in stuff) as Miss F's request - actually the found the scissors and was trying to cut her pjs, so I redirected her to some paper.  She also loves to paint with the clag brush, but not actually stick anything down.  She painted some paper, and a garden statue from a nearby plant, a couple of the dining chairs... get the picture?  She had a great time, luckily clag wipes off easily! Then she moved onto actually painting.  So both girls did some painting with the paint textas (that's what we call the crayola paint brushes that are already paint loaded like textas - they're awesome!), so we now have a few new pieces of art work stuck on our wall. 

We have an old milk crate full of duplo that Miss F loves to regularly upend and then spread from wall to wall.  This came next.  All while Miss M yelled at her and told her off for not using the duplo in the right way! Walls and towers were made and toppled and played with for about half an hour.  Farms were designed and animal figurines were given new homes - until cyclone Miss F destroyed them.  

Balloons are all over our house at the moment. So to distract from the duplo destruction I started a game of balloon tennis with Miss F (always ends up a bit like brandy when playing with Miss F!) that Miss M quickly joined in and lasted until the middle of the day.  I'd say lunchtime, but my kids don't really do lunchtime - I put a plate of snacks down (fruit, nuts, ham, chips, biscuits - anything I can find) and they munch for a few hours while they do stuff.  

There's a thing called 'study ladder' online, I think I've mentioned it before.  It is basically lots of short quizzes (10 questions) organised into categories and levels.  Once they complete a quiz correctly the child gets points and can then buy animals in a zoo, or trucks in a city etc.  The quizzes are boring as, but the rewards are fun.  Miss M loves playing in her zoo and city, and will tolerate the quizzes to get more things.  Miss F had a go today too.  It was fun watching her point to the right colour or shape or match a picture or face.  She did pretty well, actually better than I thought she would, and scored herself a few new trucks for her city scape.  Don't be confused, this is not something I push or even actively encourage.  Miss M knows it's there and will ask to use it.  It has been good for her hand/mouse coordination, as most of the quizzes she does she knows the answers to easily.  

While Miss M had her turn on the computer (I am forbidden to help unless asked to do so!) Miss F and I sat and played the piano together.  I attempted to bash out an old irish tune that the sheet music was out for, and she alternated the low notes and the high notes.  Bashing the low notes and giggling, and then angelically playing a couple of high keys with a look on her face fitting an angel.  Crazy baby.  

Playdoh was next.  We made snails, and snakes, and peas (we had green playdoh today), and a little hut that Miss F squished three seconds after completion (I was a bit heartbroken for a split second..), and an elephant, and a worm house (Miss M's creation), and some fish.  I think it's only the second time that both girls have played with playdoh together.  Miss F has only recently decided that it's not completely disgusting, and is in fact great fun to make tiny balls and throw them everywhere, all while laughing hysterically! 

Then came the bike riding.  Miss F recently got a balance bike for her birthday - she's still too little for it, but will happily ride it with assistance.  So I ran around the house 'brooooooming' like a crazy lady pushing this balance bike by the handle bars, being chased by Miss M on her balance bike - do not be underestimating the speeds she can get to on that thing! We did some basic road rules and courtesies - 'give way' at crossroads (kitchen / hallway intersection) and some reversing (complete with beeping sound effect), zig zagging to practice the steering.  I can't wait until Miss F is big enough to actually ride it independently and we can go outside on rides / walks.  

By now I'm exhausted so I lay down on the floor and nap for 15 mins while the two girls sit on me (literally) and watch the ongoing Paw Patrol video.  Once I woke up I realised that Miss F had missed her nap (mixture of late wake up and too distracted to care) and was getting cranky as! 5pm crazy hour! Her calming thing is the shower, so in she went.  She sang and played and splashed for ages, then fell asleep at the dinner table! 

Now both are in beds.  Miss F is asleep in her cot, and Miss M is in my bed with iPad winding down, she takes a while somedays.  We don't usually encourage iPad after dinnertime, but it seemed to be needed today.  And I like to think I can be flexible and respectful enough of our children's needs to allow things to be outside the 'rules' sometimes.  

So that's my day.  It was a very busy, demanding one.  As I said we wouldn't always do all of those things in one day.  Most days the girls are happy to sit and play on their iPads quietly for a bit, or will sit and flick through books, or build things with the various building sets we have.  Today was mummy labour intensive.  Fun, but now I'm ready for bed at 8pm.  😀

Writing, art and bedtimes.

One of the many things I hear from people unconvinced or unsure of homeschooling, or more specifically unschooling, is "how will they learn to read and write if you don't teach them?".  And I understand the reasons for their questioning.  They were once taught these things, like myself, we were all 'taught' to read and write in school.  I got my pen license as I'm sure most of us did.  But one of the beautiful things I love about unschooling is watching kids be so completely pleased with themselves for learning something ALL ON THEIR OWN.  Not because I'm a wonderful teacher, patient to the end, or have amazing resources to teach things in fantastic ways.  But because the child themselves has noticed that there is something they don't know how to do, and then they set out to conquer it.  And conquer it they shall.

Well Miss M (3.5yrs old) has focused her self solidly on numbers and counting, as well as letters, including the alphabet and writing.  WRITING! This is a child who we (the Occupational therapist and I) were worried about how she was still fist gripping the colouring pencils.  Well that phase has gone - and we really didn't 'do' much to help her there.  She has a near perfect grip on whatever writing implement she is using.

The writing started with a few random apps on the iPad I found, they had fun ways of encouraging letters.  They have been on the iPad for ages and just recently has she started enjoying them.

This progressed the other day to Miss M asking me to write her name for her on the white board on our fridge (once used for a shopping list, now just a daily reminder of our lack of organisation!).  I obliged and she pushed a chair in front of the fridge and wrote her name underneath, and it looked pretty good too.  Definitely a proud mummy moment! (And yes it is still on the whiteboard!).  

It is a challenge to keep Miss F (2 yrs old ) still when you're trying to dress her or change a nappy, so we have resorted to singing counting songs or the alphabet.  Both of the girls love it.  Miss F just sings along random noises that sounds similar.  Miss M seems to be actually enjoying the learning and is linking them back to words and other games with letters.  Any book that has a picture of more than one thing has the story paused to count them. 

The other theme that seems to be in this house lately is art and painting.  Miss M has told me this week that she wants to be an "auntist"! 

We were lucky enough to recently have a rock painting session at a local playground.  Well isn't that just the bees knees! Miss F really couldn't care less - unless she can throw them.  But Miss M has completely fallen in love with painting things.  She's painted rocks, and shells, and wooden animal toys, and I don't know what else!

The rocks have ended up having an extra use.  Miss M being ASD is REALLY bad at looking for things.  Something can be right in front of her and she just won't see it.  Directions are useless - like "look up a bit" " look down" " behind you" " near your foot" "near the cupboard".  They just have her spinning in circles and looking at the roof.  So practicing finding things is a great idea - and even better... the girls love it! So I hide the rocks in one area of the house or garden and then they run around crazy style trying to find them and put them in their little baskets.  Then we count them all to see if we found them all.  What a wonderful game! It's awesome how much learning came from a game we came up with together after painting rocks! 

Where's Wally has also been great for getting Miss M to look and find things.  We had a lovely time one day last week while Miss F napped looking through this picture.  

This also had us talking about all the different sports on an athletics field and then YouTubing some olympic action.  Miss M was fascinated with the javelin and high jump.  We talked about the amount of training and practice the athletes need to be so good at their sport.  

Miss F is all about colours lately.  The easiest way to keep her from destroying something is to give her something with a lot of colours and get her to match them.  She loves it! Buttons. Pom poms. Whatever I can find.  

Here I got an ice cube tray and put a row of different coloured pom poms down one side and got her to find a matching coloured pom pom for the other side.  After one round she was off and played with these by herself for about 20 mins.  Then they got thrown and kicked all over the house! 

My struggle for this month is bedtimes.  I hate them.  I hate being the grumpy nag just constantly telling them to get back in bed, or lie down.  Even if I'm managing to do it calm and gently putting them back in bed, its driving me nuts. I hate that they often take until 10pm to go to sleep.  This is the time I get to sit down and do something I enjoy without worrying about anyone else.  Just a little part of my day for me.  So when the girls take most of that up fighting with sleep it drives me nuts. So we're going to stop the nag and give them books and a lamp and check in on them regularly and see if they need different books.  While I feel this will work well for Miss M, who is a bit older than Miss F, I think Miss F may still manage to push my buttons.  But lets see how it goes hey! 

For the moment they are both asleep, so I'm off to do some colouring in of my own! 😀